{Baby #5- So I Thought}

Back in August I was having those feelings of...is it time for another baby? I remember Jon and I headed to the temple and we both had a strong feeling yes but not now. I was content with that answer and proceeded on. Came December and I started to have that feeling once again. I remember this day so well because it was a miracle all on it's own. It first started with Jon's work  Boss that day telling him that they were going to drop two of the third years because there were 6 of them and they wanted to even them out and get rid of the weaker residents. They brought everyone in the office telling them not to mess up this month and basically made everyone feel like they were the one getting fired. The two Chief Residents were asked who was there top two third Years and both of them said Jon's name and they told Jon that so he would not stress so much cause Jon was. {It's a terrible thing to have someone say that to you and think what my life would be like and go if he got fired especially in our position of great amount of debt to pay off and almost finishing up a General Surgery Residency. We would have to start from scratch or hope another program would pick us up. We decided during our panic to head to the temple and try to receive comfort and clarity.

It was then that I called my friend and asked her to watch my kids within the hour {and yes feed them too} She didn't hesitate one bit.

Service from a friend to babysit my kids started the miracle.

Next we headed to the temple. We kept looking at the clock and back at the traffic several times during our drive to the the City to go to the temple. We were stuck in traffic on the other side of central park and realized we had 15 minutes to get through heavy traffic, get on the other side of Central Park, find a  parking spot on a Friday night adjacent from the Opera House get inside the temple and prepare ourselves to start the temple session.

We knew at that moment the only way we would make it is if we said a prayer and we did.

The traffic let up we got through the park and I looked at Jon and asked where are you going to go. He turned LEFT rather then RIGHT  like we always do. LEFT was driving right and front of the temple. I mean right in front of the temple. A place where there is NEVER  a free parking spot open. As we approached the front doors of a temple THERE WAS ONE OPEN PARKING SPOT OPEN FOR US. You should of seen my face. Well I wish I could of seen my face. I was stunned, I was shocked, I was speechless, I really didn't know what just happened. I couldn't believe that I prayed for a miracle and the Lord gave me not just a descent parking spot, I would of taken the 2nd, 3rd 4th or 5th...oh heck or the 30th best parking spot, but I got VIP PARKING,

I got the number 1 best parking spot there. 

I walked in the temple still in a hurry to try to make it cause at this time we had 3 minutes the moment we turned off the car. I was almost in tears but more in awe trying to really try to grasp what just happend to me.

We took the elevator up and got off. The temple workers looked at me in disbelief as well. Confused as I looked at them they stopped and said to us both we just finished praying for a married couple to help us today and you are the answer to our prayers. {p.s. this was the last session before they closed}

The Lord knew we needed them and they needed us and he was going to make it all work.

As I was getting my name that day who I was going to be doing the work for tears immediately flowed down my cheeks cause I was having that feeling again that we should have another baby and that is another reason why I wanted to go to the temple so bad that day. As I read my name out loud I noticed the last persons name was McKay. I don't remember her first but I will always remember her last because that has been the name I always wanted to name my little boy, but felt Mason should be Mason not McKay. 

That was my answer I knew it was time to start trying to have another baby!!!

P.S. So I don't keep you hanging on January 15 Jon's boss was happy to tell Jon that he was going to finish the program with no more hiccups or obstacles and that he was happy with his performance there! phew.....what a relief that day was {we did cry for the other two people it was a sad day that it was hard for us to be happy knowing someone else is so sad.}

So we found we were pregnant a few weeks later and we were excited! The Due Date was September 25, 2013. and the Chinese Calendar who has always been right for all my kids said it was going to be a boy. So yes as you can read... I had a misscarriage. My very first miscarriage.

When I pregnant I decided this was my 5th and that I wanted to make it special because this will probably be my last child I have. So I planned a cute photo shoot for my family telling my family that I was just going to mail out to tell. I had this all lined up on January 20th. That morning my friend asked me if we were still on and that when just hours before I found blood while I went to the bathroom. I knew that some spotting was normal but I had never spotted before and I felt like something wasn't right so I told her we were going to hold off on it and see what the next week holds.

For sure I headed into a full period and I knew I was miscarrying. It took 13 days to finally pass everything out.  It was so interesting how my emotions where seriously  crazy, nothing that I had every experienced.

I went through the whole mourning process

of Denial both this isn't a miscarriage and maybe I was never pregnant I did by my pregancy test from the Dollar Store :)
 I also thought no big deal I was only 5 weeks along.

two days later.. my thoughts went to...WHY? WHY? WHY? why did this happen? Why me? I thought I was suppose to have another one. Am I an unfit mom? I did I ever think that I could handle 5 kids.

I CRIED CRIED CRIED CRIED FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT.

Then after that the next 3 days after crying over that I thought the Lord didn't think I was good enough I decided to BE THE BEST MOM EVER. The HOUSE WAS SPOTLESS, I TOOK OUT TIME FOR ALL MY KIDS, I made THE BEST MEALS, I helped my kids with whatever and played with them forever too, I DIDN'T USE A LOUD VOICE OR ARGUE with anyone. I was RATIONAL. I DID everything I thought the BEST MOM IN THE WORLD would DO.  EVERYTHING WAS IN PERFECT HARMONY for three days PROVING MYSELF TO THE LORD THAT I COULD DO IT.  That I could have 5 kids.

Well that SUPER MOM only LASTED 3 DAys and I was over that stage : ).

I think the biggest shock throughout this all is what my emotions were doing. I seriously didn't think it was a big deal. I was okay. I kept telling my family and friends and Jon that I just fell pregnant and that I was happy it happened now rather then later in the pregnancy.  I wasn't expecting my emotions to go crazy the way they did and so extreme. I eventually snapped out of it it things were better.

SO WHAT DID I LEARN FROM THIS?

Well I need to tell you something. I left out A very important detail and that is..... sense August my emotions have been out of whack. What most woman always  experience with periods are cramps, headaches, back pain and ........wait for it {PMS}. What was normal for most woman wasn't normal for me. My hormones sense August have been crazy. Where I would get so irritable and so emotional  and it was all set so perfectly timely during specific weeks of the month. The absolutely love the week of I'm so happy my if my husband loses his job I'm cool with it. The world could fall apart it wouldn't even phase me I was found the positive in everything.

My hormones were messed up and I knew I needed to go to the Doctor and get them figured out.....but I never did. But it's so interesting after the miscarriage I feel like it recharged my hormones and even though I experienced the craziest set of hormones for that 2 weeks I am so blessed today that my body is back to normal or at least almost. I feel so much better and if that was the only reason why I needed to experience a miscarriage then I'm completely fine with it and happy and grateful that the human body can repair itself through the great powers of procreation.  Now I'm not a scientist and I'm not telling people if their hormones are out of wake then get pregnant. But what I am saying is it unknowing balanced things out for me. Maybe not in the best  way because I will always remember those 2 weeks of craziness.

Was this the reason why I had a miscarriage to help balance my hormones?
I don't know but  because my thoughts drew to that conclusion I thanked my HF for that blessing of a miscarriage.

This miscarriage has made me a better person a better mother. I never was able to understand what woman go through during a miscarriage and I know every situation is different I love that I could relate a glimpse into their situation.

I love how my body feels now. I started regular exercising again and I think that has made a impact as well.

SO AM I GOING TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN?
The answer to that is I don't know right now and I'm okay with that answer. This is the very first time I have thought if I only had four I would be okay with that. There is that part of me that hopes I will feel that great desire to have another one again but for now I don't feel that way. And like I said after the miscarriage that is the first time I have ever thought that way. I just always assumed there would be more. But one thing I am for sure on is this..... If I feel the Lord wants me to have another one I will be happy to have another one or two more but I MIGHT HESITATE IF HE WANTS ME TO HAVE ANY MORE THAN THAT : ) I'm already drowning with four, but I love that challenge and I love swimming under water! I love my CRAZY LIFE!